The more I care
The more vulnerable I get
I can feel myself losing it, slipping
My anxiety attacks are back
I almost forgot how hard they are to get through
I hate my mood swings the most
If not that, then what I hate most is how I want to hurt myself
I need to pull myself together
Focus on what’s good
Focus on what makes me happy:
My family, my friends, my art, and music
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
━ C.S. Lewis
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
I feel like it’s possibly for anyone to fall in love
You just have to get close to someone
You have to let them in
Let them know who you are
Let them know parts of you that you don’t know yourself
That’s the fun part, getting to know what’s underneath
You discover a whole new layer of personality
Dreams, secrets, goals, memories
Things not many people know
This person knows so much about you
And you know so much about them
You care about each other
You want to see each other happy
And slowly you fall in love
Then each of you have a new goal
To make each other happy
Something about me has changed. I’ve become dependent. Attached and vulnerable. I doubt myself. I seek approval from others.
That’s not how it’s supposed to be.
Before I used to know who I am, who I want to be. I had goals. I was focused. I upheld myself. My priorities were clear. I was able to rebuff negative comments because I was confident.
What happened? What caused this change?
Do I care too much?
It’s happening again.
The bad thoughts are back.
I want everything to please stop.
I’m tired of being awake in the middle of the night worrying about how I’m doing this whole living thing. I’m tired of sleeping all day and still being tired. I’m tired of always being tired.
I don’t like having poofy, red eyes. I don’t like not knowing how to talk about it. I don’t like feeling like nothing I do is enough.
I can’t do this.
Lately every thing has been
- I’m not good enough
- I’m going no where
- Look at all these people better than me
- No one gets it
- Any one who would get it doesn’t care
- No one really cares
- Nothing lasts
None of these thoughts are healthy
Why am I like this again
It’s an odd feeling to know you aren’t important to the people who are important to you. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I’ll care for the person no matter what. I’ll always be a friend to them even if they aren’t a friend to me. I’ll always care. But it’s also nice when the person cares back… ya know?